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FAQ
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Letters to the Editor
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Where do turtlenecks come from? Herman... Flint, Michigan
Dear Herman,
Legend has it that turtlenecks were first worn by ancient ninjas as a sign of purity and devotion to ninjadom. The first turtlenecks were actually shaded with a yellow hue and contained white ornate lacing to correspond with that individual assasin's rank among other mercenary agents of the 14th Century. Hope this helps!
Turtleneck Christmas
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What's the big deal about Turtleneck Christmas anyway? Ellen... Burbank, California
Dear Ellen,
If you weren't such a stupid hippie, maybe you'd understand why some people consider it a big deal. Suck one. Hope this helps!
Turtleneck Christmas
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Is Sidney Claus real, or is he just some yahoo off the street? Walter... Frederick, Maryland
Dear Walter,
That's a great question with quite an unclear answer. You see, Sidney Claus is real but has developed something called ethanol-induced schizophrenia (EIS) over the course of time. EIS has been debated by neurologists and psychiatrists for years but has yet to be approved by Medicare as a clear diagnosis that is subject to billing. The basic diagnostic indicators of EIS include visual hallucinations, disorders of movement, unclear or fragmented speech, sexual aggression, and an overt neglect of basic hygiene-- all of which Sidney Clause illustrates after downing a bottle of Colt 45. In general, it's best to keep him away from children and small animals after he has begun drinking. Hope this helps!
Turtleneck Christmas
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Is Turtleneck Christmas celebrated in other countries, or is it only found in America? Gus... Hazlehurst, Georgia
Dear Gus,
Certainly the spirit of the combination of turtlenecks and Christmas is celebrated in other countries, regardless of whether or not a specific festival exists with the same name. However, there are a handful of countries in Latin America (Venezuela and Nicaragua, for example) as well as Soviet Russia and mainland China in which Turtleneck Christmas is specifically outlawed. Sadly, the ideas of turtlenecks, Christmas, free speech, Budweiser, Sidney Claus, jello shots, and Funkytown run against the ideals set forth by Stalin, Mao, and Chavez. Hope this helps!
Turtleneck Christmas
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Is there any role for mimes at Turtleneck Christmas? Wanda... Ames, Iowa
Dear Wanda,
There is absolutely no role for mimes at Turtleneck Christmas. Mimes are strictly prohibited. Hope this helps!
Turtleneck Christmas
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Do you think that the Eagles are the greatest rock band ever? My older brother Kai says they totally kick ass, but I think they are kinda soft. Harvey... Newark, New Jersey
Dear Harvey,
It is the policy of Turtleneck Christmas that the Eagles suck. Your brother Kai is a douchebag. Hope this helps!
Turtleneck Christmas
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